


Number One

by dgalerab



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Iwaizumi is just done with this shit, Kuroo is head over heels for Kenma, M/M, Oikawa is an egotistical prick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-30
Updated: 2016-05-30
Packaged: 2018-07-11 03:50:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7027318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dgalerab/pseuds/dgalerab
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kuroo gets rated as the number one most attractive high school volleyball player. Oikawa doesn't handle it well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Number One

“Iwachaaaan!” Oikawa cries one Friday morning. “Do you know what today is?”

“No,” Iwaizumi says. It’s an average Friday, and he knows whatever Oikawa is excited about is something horribly benign.

“It’s the day that Tokyo Girl ranks this year’s hottest high school volleyball players,” Oikawa sings.

Iwaizumi hums, going back to his book.

Oikawa leaps over him. “Hey? I’m going to crush everyone and you’re not even excited.”

“Not really,” Iwaizumi says.

Oikawa makes a face so shocked, the average person might think Iwaizumi had just kicked a puppy in front of him.

“Well,” Oikawa says, hands on his hips. “I guess I’m just going to buy a copy by myself.”

“Yep,” Iwaizumi says.

Oikawa gasps, then storms out without another word.

He doesn’t come back for a long, long time. Eventually, Iwaizumi figures it’s been long enough without Oikawa rubbing his pointless victory in his face that he’s going to have to do some kind of damage control.

He finds Oikawa still sitting in his bed, looking like he’s just been slapped, the open magazine still clutched in his hands.

“So you’re not first, then,” Iwaizumi sighes.

“S-second…” Oikawa manages, still frozen.

“Ah,” Iwaizumi says.

Oikawa pops right back into motion. “Ah?! AH?! _What do you mean, ah?! YOU’RE NOT EVEN SURPRISED?!”_

“Not really,” Iwaizumi says.

Oikawa freezes so suddenly he falls off the bed. “Disgraced. Betrayed. This is the end of Oikawa Tooru,” he whispers.

Iwaizumi sighs.

Oiwaka rolls to his knees and throws his hand out behind him. “Iwaizumi!” he cries. “I never want to speak to you again!”

“Alright,” Iwaizumi says, turning to go. Eventually this temper tantrum will subside.

“Iwachaaaaan!” Oikawa yells after him as soon as he turns around. “Don’t you even want to know who beat me? Me, Oikawa Tooru. The one with dozens of female fans at every game…”

“I don’t think there’s dozens,” Iwaizumi tells him, but Oikawa ignores him and thrusts his magazine in Iwaizumi’s face.

Iwaizumi takes the magazine and reads over it with a sigh. “Kuroo Tetsurou, from Nekoma. Isn’t Nekoma the one that Karasuno’s been training with?”

“Look at him… he’s not even that attractive. It’s because he’s from Tokyo, isn’t it? Bias! Cheat!” Oikawa lets out a desperate moan and tumbles back onto the floor. “What am I saying? Look at his hair. It’s so spiky. He must style it every day. I’ve been beaten fair and square. I’ve fallen… fallen from grace.”

“We should arrange a practice match with them,” Iwaizumi says.

“Ha!” Oikawa says, starting back up and clenching his fist. “Yes! Revenge! I’ll break his nose!”

Iwaizumi stares at him. He’s not sure how serious Oikawa is right now. “He seems like the rugged type,” he says, just in case. “I think a broken nose would only make him more attractive to women.”

Oikawa lets out a desperate wail and throws himself back on the floor.

-X-

“So,” Kuroo says, once Seijoh has finally gotten around to driving up to Tokyo to do a practice match with them. “This is the team that keeps trying to steal our destined rivals, eh?”

“Karasuno?” Iwaizumi asks, raising an eyebrow.

“You should talk!” Oiwaka says, all but leaping over Iwaizumi to point at Kuroo, rage rolling off of him in waves. “Mr. Perfect Hair! How dare you come before me with such hair!”

Kuroo looks at him blankly. “Eh?” he asks. _This is our gym?_

“How do you even get hair like that?” Oikawa moans.

Kuroo blinks a few times, then shrugs. Oikawa looks horrified.

“It’s bedhead,” Kenma volunteers.

Oikawa, if anything, looks more horrified.

“Ah, really?” Kuroo says.

“Yes,” Kenma says. “You always sleep with pillows over your ears and your hair stays like that.”

“Pillows?” Oikawa mumbles. He looks ready to fall over.

“That would explain it,” Kuroo says, rubbing his chin.

Oikawa tumbles to his knees. “It’s… effortless?” he whispers, then falls flat on his face.

Kuroo looks down at him, bewildered. He looks back at Iwaizumi, who shrugs. “He’s upset you’re the most attractive volleyball player in the Tokyo Girl ranking.”

“Oh,” Kuroo says. “Really?”

“ _YOU DIDN’T EVEN KNOW?!_ ” Oikawa shrieks.

“I don’t really pay attention to these things,” Kuroo says.

“Kuroo has accidentally dated girls before because he didn’t notice they were confessing to him.”

“That was one time!” Kuroo grumbles. Oikawa is twitching on the floor. “I don’t see why you keep telling everyone about it.”

“It was kind of funny.”

“She worded it funny.”

“She didn’t.”

“Did too.”

“Did not.”

“Iwachan…” Oikawa moans, sitting up slowly. “Please help me write my will.” He throws his arm over his face dramatically. Kenma and Kuroo blink at him in confusion. “It’s all over. Beaten. Like this…”

“Pull yourself together, Tooru,” Iwaizumi says. “We still have a match to play.”

Oikawa brightens instantly. “Yes!” he cries. “You may be attractive, but I’ll still crush you in volleyball!”

“Jeez, what an idiot,” Yamamoto says.

“Hey!” Oikawa yells.

-X-

It’s tight, but Nekoma wins the practice match, and now Oikawa wants to smother that little setter with a pillow too. It’s clear he doesn’t even like volleyball all that much, and yet he keeps figuring out Oikawa’s every strategy before he can even use it properly. The team is solid, but the way they all operate at the whim of that little brat is even more annoying.

Worse still is the fact that the freak setter and that Kuroo seem to be joined at the hip. Kuroo is constantly watching his setter, making sure he’s doing well and has everything he needs. It makes his victory over Oikawa even more thorough. His hair, his setter…

“Very well,” Oikawa says, sliding over to Kuroo with his head hanging. “You’ve won. You’re the most attractive high school volleyball player in all of Japan. You’ve beaten me. Oikawa Tooru…”

“Not again…” Iwaizumi says. “I’m sorry, he’s a bit of a five year old…”

“I can see that,” Kuroo says, rubbing the back of his head. He and Iwaizumi grin at each other over Oikawa’s head.

Oikawa ignores them and wails a little louder so that the attention is on him properly. “ _ME_ , _OIKAWA TOORU_ ,” he continues. “With hundreds of female fans…”

“Oi,” Iwaizumi says. “Last time it was dozens.”

“I can’t go anywhere without being asked out, and yet… I have lost… to you, Kuroo Tetsurou…” He looks up, clenching his fists. “How?”

Kuroo shrugs again, but Kenma cuts in, not even looking up from his game. “Personality,” he says.

“Hey!” Oikawa cries. “What did you say you little brat?”

“Watch it,” Kuroo says, face suddenly going dark, despite his grin not wavering for a moment. “Kenma is Nekoma’s backbone, we don’t take it lightly when people insult him.”

Oikawa sticks his tongue out at Kuroo in response.

“Strictly speaking, physically, Oikawa is more attractive,” Kenma continues, unbothered by Oikawa’s interruption.

Oikawa suddenly looks as though the sun has just come out on a rainy day, shining a single, beautiful ray of light over Oikawa. “Ah,” he says. “I take it back.” Kuroo slumps a little, and Oikawa notices immediately. “What, now you’re upset?!”

Kuroo looks ready to refute, but before he can Kenma starts talking.

“However,” Kenma continues. “Kuro has charisma. He’s very intelligent and calculating. He’s also very good at anything he dedicates himself too, so he comes off as unbothered by anything. It gives him a dangerous look, which fits with his height and build and physical features, so it all adds up. Oikawa is also calculating, but also egotistical, which doesn’t fit with his pretty boy look. The two don’t add up, so all in all, he could come off as less attractive.” He glances up. “But also, Kuroo is more carnal. You’re both attractive, but he’s sexier.”

There’s a long, long silence.

Oikawa and Kuroo look equally bowled over though in vastly different ways, and they’re both stuttering “ _Sexy?_ ” as though the word itself is an unknowable terror. Oikawa is on the floor, hands outstretched as if to ask answers from the world. Kuroo’s nose is bleeding.

Kenma looks up. “I don’t see why this is important anyway,” he says, and gets up to walk over to his team.

It seems to be the finishing blow for both Kuroo and Oikawa, and they collapse as Kenma walks past them, too absorbed in his game to notice their suffering. Iwaizumi longs for that kind of bliss right now.

“Come on,” he says, pulling his setter up by the collar. “It’s obvious that as far as women are concerned, there’s no competition here. You’ll be most attractive next month.”

“I’ll get you for this, Nekoma…” Oikawa hisses as Iwaizumi drags him along. Kuroo is still muttering “sexy” to himself, and Oikawa seemingly doesn’t even register for him anymore.

At least Iwaizumi can see the common ground between their two teams now. It seems that the captains of both Nekoma and Seijoh are cripplingly, hopelessly infatuated with their setters.

 


End file.
